The Cost of Trump’s Wall

12 03 2017

Trump’s own estimate for the cost of his wall is ten billion dollars, but some estimates put the cost at as much as twenty-five billion.

What can you buy for twenty-five billion?  Regardless of where the money comes from, what else could we do with that much money?  I’ll use the $25 billion because…  well…  when has a government project ever been completed for the low estimate?

  • Pay 44,000 new teachers for ten years
  • Build 1,250 new elementary schools
  • Pay for chemotherapy for 800,000 cancer patients
  • Pay all health care costs for every man woman and child in Kansas
  • Build 57,000 low income apartments
  • Buy 8 billion school lunches
  • Fix Flint Michigan’s water system (and 15 other cities just like it)
  • Buy metal detectors for every school in the country
  • Outpatient addiction rehab for 2.5 million drug users
  • Send 13 more rovers to Mars or 3 new space telescopes

But hey, I’m sure that a pretty new wall is more important than any of these things, right?

Just remember that the $25,000,000,000 wall can be defeated with a $25 homemade ladder.


Forrest City Low

10 03 2017

I live in an exclusive gated community.  Residence here is by invitation only.

Our community has a staff of hundreds.  Our laundry is picked up, washed, and returned the next day without fail.  Our facilities are cleaned seven days a week – even on holidays.  We have free cable.  The community brags a library so trusting that most books don’t even need to be checked out – just grab and go.  We have a restaurant that serves meals designed by an on staff dietitian.  The meals are all included, of course, at no extra cost.  Alcoholic beverages are not included, but can be obtained in a variety of venues.  Our inter-racial barber shop has four chairs and is open long hours with or without an appointment.  Standard trims are provided at no cost, though gratuity is appreciated (and recommended if your barber is a former mobster like mine).

The community boasts an on site medical and dental staff, and we even have our own pharmacy right here on the grounds.  If you make an appointment today, they might be able to see you next year, or next month if it’s an emergency such as a heart attack.  The care is spectacular; you cannot die here.  If your heart stops beating on the premises, you will be placed in chains, taken outside the front gate, and pronounced dead there.  You’re perfectly safe inside.

Our athletic area has two baseball diamonds, four basketball, four handball, one volleyball, and one soccer field.  There are two jogging tracks; one is paved and the other is dirt.  We have elliptical machines, stationary bikes, and treadmills.  I suggest you sign up for the spin class; it’ll kick your butt.  Be sure to be with a few friends on your first visit; you don’t want to learn the unwritten rules the hard way.

We have a 0% unemployment rate.  Everyone has a job.  Many don’t pay anything and don’t have any actual duties, per se, but you will have a job.  The hundreds of “Ghost jobs” allow the facility to be in compliance with various requirements of the authorities.  Your first job will pay twelve cents an hour, but with enough time you can get to forty cents an hour!

Our chapel caters to every religion large and small, from Buddhist to Wicca with rarer flavors like Santeria and Odinism mixed in.  That’s right, worship of the Norse gods is alive and well here among a small but…  dedicated group.  Tip:  Don’t sign up to worship Odin unless your skin lacks melanin and you were invited to the community for the *right* reasons.

Most amazing here are the people you meet, and their backgrounds.

Bank robbers are, as a group, the most gregarious bunch you’ll ever talk to.  They’ve a “devil may care” attitude that’s infectious.  They’re always ready for some fun and never met a man they didn’t like.  Tax dodgers, on the other hand, tend to be a disgruntled lot, and very suspicious of your motives.  Most surprisingly, the murderers are a pretty light-hearted bunch and often have plans for the future.  One such fellow told me of his intent to return to his old business.  In between choruses of songs from the 80’s, he described his craft in great detail, “Yeah, I can get $15,000 for a hit.  But, you gotta do it right!  Not one shot, not two, I empty that muthafuckin’  clip!  Tha’s my signature!”  Another, rumored to have killed over a hundred and gotten away with it, would never be so crass as that.  He’s a gentleman, always well groomed, friend to everyone, and at times seems to have the most pull of anyone here.  He slaps me on the back everyday, and with his slight Italian accent, honestly seems to care, “How you doin’ buddy?”

For all the diverse experience, many of the folks here are pretty helpless with some basic skills.  I’ve done work for them as a cobbler, tailor, and cabinet maker.  So far, the cheesecake business I’m involved in has been the most profitable.  We mark our cheesecakes up 300% and we still can’t make them fast enough.  We get six stamps a slice and I often have no idea what to do with all the profit.

But, legal work has garnered me the most respect and gratitude.  A simple motion, typed relatively free of spelling errors is a precious thing here.  Two fellows even offered “favors on the outside” in exchange for my efforts.  “Uhm…  thanks.  But, how about a box of crackers instead?”  Seriously man…  if you change your mind, I can get it done…  “Yeah, no.  Crackers are good.”

There’s a real danger that if you stay long enough here, you won’t want to leave.  I’ve seen it over and again; men are terrified to leave the relative safety of this place.  Some take drastic measures to ensure that their invitations are extended.  One, who was within a month of losing his place here, was able to get a reprieve by beating another nearly to death.  I met a man who had stayed at similar gated communities longer than I had been alive.  He robbed a bank with a note, sat down outside, and waited for the kindly people who would bring him back home.


The Swamp

15 02 2017

Dropping in crocodiles and asking them to drink as much as they can is not a viable plan to “drain the swamp.”

What does Putin have on Trump?

20 01 2017

With all of the sniffling during the debates, whatever dirty laundry Putin has on Trump will probably involve cocaine.

Because Trump seems so completely in Putin’s pocket, the blackmail video must be of a criminal act.  After all, the man is proud of his crass nature, and wouldn’t hesitate to admit to any lesser action.

Trump has bragged about being able to shoot someone and get away with it, so let’s assume it involves a killing.

Trump’s description of his own actions labels him as a sexual predator, and he’s expressed an abnormal physical interest in his own daughter, so let’s add that to the mix.

Because he likes to go overboard with everything he does, it’s got to be well beyond garden variety wrongdoing.

So, my money is on Putin having video of Trump doing lines of coke off the body of an underage prostitute, who looks strangely like his own daughter, after he used her to make his own snuff film.  There you have it.  It explains everything.

Old Man in the Cafeteria

4 01 2017

An old man just dropped his papers.  The young black woman in the absurd fur hat had just told him “No.”  In his nervousness, he spilled all that he was carrying.  She wouldn’t help him pick up his papers any more than she would grant his request.  She stands, shoulders straight, face forward, and watches him, her eyes cast downward – impassive and uncaring.

What was his request?  Something minor.  For someone who has been here as long as he has – since the Reagan administration – it had to be something minor.  He knows better than to ask for anything that will require much more than a nod of her head.

The old man stoops to pick up his papers.  He’s shaking, but I don’t know if it’s from age or the confrontation of the moment.  His legal papers, a jumble of typewritten pages, handwritten notes, and official envelopes, contain his proof – proof of how he has been wronged – proof of how the system has failed him.  I know this because I have a pile of papers just like his with its official court seals and signatures of attorneys who can afford me no more of their time.

He carries his jumbled pile to a nearby table where he takes pains to straighten it and remove the filth from the cafeteria floor.  He returns the papers to a folder crafted from a box which once held a dozen cans of grape soda – trash pressed into service to contain and protect his most cherished possession:  his hope.

A judge destroyed his life one day.  A judge took away his future and condemned him to age behind walls, to die slowly outside the view of his friends and relatives.

This is nothing new.  Every prisoner here knows this.  Every man here has been through the process.  Plead guilty to a crime you may not have committed, or exercise your “Right to a trial,” lose to an opponent with unlimited resources, and be punished four or five times worse for having the audacity to say, “I didn’t do that!”

This is justice in America:

  • Prosecutors who wield more power than judges and use the threat of extreme sentences to force the innocent to confession;
  • Judges who follow guidelines set by a congress eager not to appear “soft on crime;”
  • Defense attorneys who are as cowed by the system as the defendants and can only help by showing you where to sign your confession;
  • Corporations who profit from our policy of mass incarceration by supplying goods to the prisons, or even the prisons themselves;
  • Guards who supply drugs, cigarettes, and favors to inmates with the resources to make it happen, or who use their authority to express their hatred or racism.

The old man will try again.  He’ll approach someone else when another month of his dwindling reserve of life has passed and the sting of the disinterested woman is gone.

Thirty, forty years eventually passes and then the old man will be cast onto the street, his family gone, friends disbursed.  He’ll have no money and may even owe a huge fine.  Too frail and elderly to work, he’ll find a bridge to keep the rain from his blankets.


25 11 2016

Congratulations America.

In your pursuit of ever less qualified candidates, less than half of you have elected a man wholly unworthy of the honor.

The last idiot the right selected was described as “Someone I’d like to have a beer with.”  This guy is someone that the rednecks fantasize will buy them a beer…  in a gilded stein.

The remainder of the country fantasizes that we’ll find him floating face down in a vat of bitter imported dark lager… or maybe vodka.

We are now one step closer to President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho.

Big Bang Theory?

2 05 2013

I’ve long been troubled by the Big Bang Theory.  It seems implausible that the entire universe erupted from a singularity – infinite heat and density – overcoming its own gravity to form all that exists.  Aside from concerns about the physics of stuffing literally everything into a space that Planck himself would’ve described as ‘Teensy,’ I’ve got a handful of other bits that bug me.

First is the recurring issue of incredibly old stars.  Every few news cycles more stars are being discovered that appear to have come into being about the same time that the universe was just getting off the ground.  In some cases, the stars have been so old that it seems astrophysicists wind up rewriting their calculations to ensure that their new found glowing gaseous eggs don’t predate the chicken from which they came.

The second concern is with our apparent placement within the visible universe.  As Galileo pointed out, it is the height of arrogance to assume that you occupy a special place at the center of everything.  I mean, what are the odds that we would find ourselves so close to the center of all creation when so much of creation isn’t the center?  Doesn’t it seem like there should be a thinning in one particular direction of the night sky’s freckling with countless galaxies?  If the density let up just a little somewhere, that might indicate that we were closer to an ‘edge.’  Instead in any direction we look, the background of galaxies is more or less constant as is the cosmic microwave radiation which is hailed as proof of the universe’s Krakatoa.

The third problem for me is the expansion of the universe… or rather with the fact that the expansion seems to be speeding up rather than slowing down or remaining the same.  This one is a problem that should bother anyone who ever took high school physics.  Things don’t accelerate unless acted on by some force – be it gravity or the engine connected to your gas pedal.  So, why (or how) is the universe speeding up?

Now, I’m certainly not qualified to answer any of these questions.  Perhaps I’m not even bright enough to understand the problem at hand.  I don’t have training in astrophysics, or even regular physics for that matter.  I have no special mathematical background that would even cause someone to bother to sample my opinion on the subject.

What I do have is an IDEA…  a particularly itchy one that I just can’t scratch.

We’ve all been told that the vacuum of space isn’t truly empty, that it is in fact boiling over with the constant activity of the quantum foam.  Virtual particles are continually popping in and out of existence.  For the sake of argument, let’s assume that on very rare occasions one of these virtual particles is, through some disturbance, parted from its antiparticle enough that the two don’t immediately cancel each other out and return to the foam.  Instead, the particles go from being virtual to actual.  Obviously, this would be an incredibly rare event, but in the vastness of space, perhaps it happens often enough for actual measurable quantities of matter to appear albeit spread very thin.

Now suppose that space is entirely a function of the presence of matter.  Without a ‘thing’ there is no space for it to occupy.  We already know that the presence of matter – massive bodies – warps space.  What if the very existence of space depends on the matter that lies within?  If new matter were created, would it create new space?  If new matter were being created all the time in the vastness of intergalactic space, wouldn’t that cause the space between galaxies to grow?  If so, wouldn’t the galaxies furthest from us appear to move away faster simply because there is more space between us in which to create even more new space?

Within the tracts of newly created space, perhaps the presence of matter causes virtual particle pairs to more often make the transition to actual particles.  If so, then over huge time scales enough matter might form that it begins to be affected by its own gravity and new galaxies are born.

Under my proposal, every point in all of creation would appear to be the center point and every galaxy would appear to move away from it with those furthest away moving the fastest.  Old stars aren’t a problem because the universe need not have a singular spectacular beginning.  Instead it is infinite and in continuous creation.